Square Eyes

Television Reviews

Movie of the week, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, SBS, Xmas Day, 12.10am

Deservedly listed as one of the 50 worst movies of all time, this tacky rubbish features depressed Martians who kidnap Santa to brighten things up back on Mars. It's such a bad sci-fi, it's almost funny. So why pick it? It's Christmas. Turn off the telly and go and talk to your family. Or go to bed.

If I should fall from grace, SBS, Fri, 10pm

Irish rock wild child Shane MacGowan wrote one of the best-ever Christmas songs in Fairytale of New York. His band, The Pogues, blended traditional Irish sounds with punk sensibilities. He's been described as a 'transcendent singer and two-fisted gutter poet', notorious for his drug and alcohol-fuelled excesses. This insightful doco charts the highs and alarming lows of his career.

Mrs Winterbourne, Ten, Sun, 8.30pm

A down-on-her-luck pregnant heart-o-gold gal (TV host Ricki Lake) is accidentally(!) mistaken for the widow of a rich toff following a train crash and welcomed into the bosom of his family, led by an eccentric matriarch (Shirley MacLaine). It's a poor copy of While You Were Sleeping, and a schmaltzy version of the 50s original, No Man of her Own, only getting interesting towards the end.

The Godfather of Bodies, SBS, Sun, 7pm

Confirmation of just how bizarre the world of female body building gets can be found in this doco, which zeroes in on the Australian titles and how the competitors torture their bodies in the name of perfection. Camille may have the perfect exterior, but her body's been so badly mistreated, it's unlikely she can have kids. It's a ghoulishly fascinating tale.

The Christmas Truce, ABC, Mon 8.30pm

On Christmas Day, 1914, Allied and German troops on the Western front paused from the carnage to play football together in 'no mans land'. They achieved the impossible amidst the insanity. This moving doco recounts this legendary moment using recreations, archival footage and powerful first-hand testimony.

The Magic Pudding, ABC, Xmas day, 3.45pm

Should the kids be tired, the toys already broken and the parents to Bartletted to play with them, this animated adaptation of Norman Lindsay's wonderful children's yarn is good, old-fashioned Aussie fun. John Cleese gives voice to the cranky pudding, with the likes of Geoffrey Rush (Bunyip Bluegum), Sam Neill (Sam Sawnoff), Hugo Weaving (Bill Barnacle) and even Lawsy (Rumpus Bumpus) also in on the act. It's a real gem, beautifully done, and a great story.

The Queen's Christmas Message, ABC, Xmas Day, 7.20pm

It's a tradition, even if it's as incongruous as roast turkey on a 40°C day.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, Ten, Xmas Day, 10.30pm

A surreal mix of satire that ranges from gross out and offensive to screamingly funny and thoughtfully philosophical. If you have had one too many helpings, you'll understand how Mr Creosote feels.