Psychologically Speaking

with Stewart Hase

The Winds of Shame

A friend of mine told me recently of a friend of hers who appeared at her house most distressed one evening.

Apparently this woman had lived in an unhappy marriage for a number of years and had drifted into an affair with another man that had lasted about five years. Eventually she decided to leave her husband and went to live with her lover. It lasted about three days. In tears the woman told my friend that she had discovered that her lover farted. A little surprised my friend said that everyone farted and asked what the problem was. Well, it transpired that it was a problem and she could not go back to him.

I've often thought that there is nothing quite like an ensuite to remove all the mystery out of any relationship and I am sure people react in all sorts of ways. It is interesting though what we will and won't put up with in a relationship with someone. Relationships are all about compromise, but in the end, where do you draw the line? There is a big difference between forever leaving the lid off the toothpaste, losing the life savings on the gee -gees and being violent with one's partner. There is another class of tolerance and that is the things to which we unconsciously turn a blind eye. Infedelity can be an example of this. It can be less risky to ignore suspicions than open a can of worms that might end in a disasterous confrontation. The most problematic involve violence, either verbal or physical. The need to be loved and promises that this will come somehow, if we wait, overpowers the pain and sadness.

One of the key factors that differentiates relationships that tend to be satisfying compared to those that don't is negotiation. This means that we need to communicate well and deal with conflict rather than sweep it under the carpet. Of course this will only work if there is equal power in the relationship. If there isn't equal power then there is a problem and at least one person will be unhappy.

Clearly the name of the game is to be prepared to be clear about what one is prepared to tolerate and what one is not and listen to one another. Then negotiate. If the other doesn't choose to listen or negotiate then perhaps it is time to move on. At the end of the day communication is the key and co-dependence is destructive. But more about that later.